Tonights Talk: Gift Giving

A while back there was a discipline issue with one of my boys. Through the normal course of our evening ritual, I put them to bed and talk and pray with them before lights out. This particular evening, I intended to have a talk with them relating to integrity, which I did. It was more of  a discussion for both of the boys rather than a lecture to the one with the discipline issue. After the talk, my youngest said: “Dad, we need to have talks like this more often.” He was absolutely right. These times are not only precious and fleeting as time goes on, but they are very important to imparting sound wisdom to these boys as they grow up to be men. I want them to always be able to look back when they’re grown and be able to draw on these teachings.

Though integrity is an excellent subject to start with, I thought that with the Christmas season of giving, the topic of gift giving would be appropriate. My intent here is simply to cover the thoughts that we discussed and hopefully have something useful to others.

Now gift giving at its most basic is to give something that you’ve bought or made to another for their enjoyment or celebration. This is neither new nor insightful. The gift would ideally be something that the receiver would actually want and enjoy. The trick here is how to do that and what to do. I think there are a number of techniques that aren’t very difficult to implement that can dramatically help with this task.

As we all know, it is better to give than to receive. This is a premise that you hear over the course of your life and I think it takes some time to actually believe. First off, with giving you are thinking of others first rather than yourself. Also, after some practice, it becomes more exciting to see the reaction of the other person more than receiving gifts for yourself. This is one of those principles that takes some faith to believe in. In a sense, you’re going out on a limb with whatever you get and gambling that the other person will like it. You’re investing not just your time and money, but part of you in what you have chosen. The more practice you get, the more fun this is.

First, don’t think of it as a task. Getting into the situation of “oh yeah, I have to get a gift for so and so”. You need a little more time for planning and not simply wandering the aisles of the local mall or department store.

Put yourself into their shoes. Stop and think about the person for a bit. What are their tastes, likes, hobbies, interests, personality. It doesn’t usually take much time to think at some detail about a person who is close enough to you to be getting a gift, to figure out what they would like. This does take some practice.

Give what you’d like to get. This technique can be easily implemented incorrectly. Just because you would want something, doesn’t mean the other person would want that same something. It must be thought of in conjunction with the thought process above. The idea here is that if I put myself in the others shoes and combine that with how I decide on things I want, you should be able to come up with something good. Here’s an example. I like tools, not just any tools, but good quality tools. I want them to be a joy to use not a hassle. When I apply this logic to buying things for my wife (who likes to bake and knit), I look for high quality tools to be used with those activities. Good quality kitchen tools/appliances or knitting implements.

Listen to what they’d want. This is probably one of the most important especially for someone who is close to you. During times of non-gift purchasing, listen and watch closely to things they say. Phrases like, “you know, I’d sort of like to have such and such” or “sometime I’d like to get a whoseywatchit”. These are common things that most people say off the cuff and aren’t really taken seriously. If you start listening closely for words like these AND take note of them by actually writing them down somewhere for later use, this is a really easy way of creating a list when you actually need it.

Watch for opportunities to fill a need. This is a bit less obvious since you have to recognize that someone is having a struggle with something or that you see a way for them to ease one of the hassles in their life. Now this can be put into practice in the wrong way such as giving your wife a new broom. Yes, this may help her in her chores, but probably doesn’t convey the message that you love and care for her. Alleviating hassle for someone when they’re doing something they enjoy or have a passion for is more what you’d be looking for.

Following lists. For Christmas, my family always asks for a list of things I want. There is nothing inherently wrong with this if you really do want those things. I’ve always had a hard time giving lists to others for this purpose not because I couldn’t come up with anything but more that I’d rather get something they think I’d like as well as the fact that I like to be surprised. Being surprised about which particular thing on my list I get really doesn’t cut it.

Gift cards and cash are a cop-out. This isn’t totally true, but mostly. My boys have been wanting cash because they were saving up for large items that no one in our family could afford on their own. Another good reason for gift cards would be small denominations for things like stocking stuffers. Generally though, I feel that these types of primary gifts say either that I don’t know you well enough to think of anything you’d like or I wasn’t willing or didn’t have time to come up with something on my own. This is sort of harsh, but it really doesn’t take that much effort to put some thought into your loved ones to think about what they like.

Tonight, instead of talking about some character attribute, we spent 15-20 minutes playing with Flarp (noise putty). You have to be balanced. Now what I really should be working on is my book proposal.